I was asked by Pam to speak here today.
That was three weeks ago. I don’t really
thoroughly understand her reasons for having me of all people, but it doesn’t
really matter. Not really. I really didn’t want to be here. And I tried what I
could to get out of coming. Pam stated that my reasons for not speaking were
set in my mind by Satan. So, here I stand, in spite of him.
The day Pam asked me to speak, I had been
thinking about what exactly it is that I’d like to talk to you about. And it
has been strange to say the least. At first, I felt overwhelmed by all the
emotions that surfaced in my heart. I thought of many many events and people.
Most of those people, I really do not like much at all. Some of those people I
used to even go as far as to say I hated them.
Then I felt very blessed. That was hard for me to accept. I’ve had a
very trying life. Some things, I’m still trying to overcome. But, in spite of
it all, I am very blessed. Who has shown
me love throughout my life? I will need to first analyze each person who has
touched my life. I think it is important
to take into account first the actions of hate, and then the actions of love.
I was born into a poor family. There were
7 of us kids. We didn’t know we were poor. We didn’t know we were missing out
on anything. My mom was very abusive. She would strike us with any tangible
object within reach. I have been beat with switches, belts, paddles, hangers,
broom sticks, oxygen tubing whatever was in reach. And when we would get into
trouble, our mom would make us do a push up at the table’s edge and hold our
bodies in the ‘up’ position while pressing our noses against the edge. We’d
have to stand up on our toes in corners for hours on end. And she’d make us
clean the house from top to bottom until daybreak when we’d have to go off to
school. Tired, and worn.
My dad was an alcoholic and a pedophile.
But he was only a pedophile when he was drunk. Which was every day. I got to
experience what it was like to be his first choice partner at the ripe old age
of 3. When he wasn’t trying to pleasure himself with me, he was off doing
stupid things. One time, he got into a fight with my mom and took me with him
when he left. We hitch hiked to his friend’s house. No one was at home when we
go there. I don’t remember how we got in, but I assume he must have broken
in. He cut himself while there and
passed out bleeding all over the floor. Of course the bleeding could have been
exaggerated, any kind of bleeding to a 6 year old is a lot. When my parents
separated, my brother and I both went to live with my dad. My two sisters
stayed with my mom (4 out of the 7 kids were whole blood siblings). For a
while, my dad stopped drinking. And for a while, the pedophilia stopped too. We lived with my grandma and grandpa during
that time.
My dad got a girlfriend, then the drinking
started again and so did the pedophilia. Soon after meeting his girlfriend, one
of my sisters came to stay with us. One Christmas day, my mom came over and got
into a fight with my dad. We, my sister, brother and myself, were placed into
foster care. We were 9, 7 and 5 years old. We were placed in my grandparents’
care after 24 hours. That lasted for 6 months, though it really didn’t seem
like a removal. My dad was there to see us every day. Another time I remember,
my dad and his girlfriend got into a fight and she doused herself with gasoline
and caught herself on fire. My sister, brother and I were all outside on the
back porch. I was looking into the window and watched her lift her lighter up
to herself and watched the flames engulf her. What you see in movies when
people catch fire is very accurate. People really do flail their arms. I
watched my dad catch fire too while attempting to put the fire out. Both of
them lived and continued to date after that. However, we were yet again, placed
into foster care.
My dad was in a residential treatment
program to become sober. We were in
foster care for a while until his treatment was finished. One day our caseworker was driving us home
to our dad for an overnight stay. The
goal was to gradually reintroduce us until we finally were released
permanently. When we got home no one was
there. We waited for several minutes and no one showed up. We left feeling
disappointed. We found out that night that our dad was in jail for drinking and
driving. Apparently he wrecked the family car. Because we were in foster care
for 2 years just a short while after that incident, we were placed under the
guardianship of the state of Ohio. Once
you are a ward of the state, you are placed onto a list of children up for
adoption. We heard stories that my dad was fighting to get us back until the
judge told us that he threw all his legal paperwork, claiming us as his, at
him. Releasing all of his parental
rights. Once I was a ward of the state, I had been cared for by 7 different
families and had lived in a group home 2 times. At the age of 15, I was adopted
by my then therapist.
Soon after my adoption, my new mom started
to grow jealous of me. Apparently when my new dad was out of town, which was
every single week, I would inquire of his whereabouts and when he’d be home.
And my new mom resented me for growing any type of attachment to him. My mom
would make up rules that were so difficult to follow that I started to believe
she was making them up because she knew I wouldn’t be able to keep to them and
she’d get to punish me. One of those
rules were, I had to pay 1 dime for every piece of paper that I printed
documents on from off the computer. One
day, I was typing up a rough draft outline for my senior exit project at
school. When I printed it out, my mom
came running into the room to question me if I had proof read it before
printing it out. Instead of saying ‘yes’
or ‘no,’ I told her that it was a rough draft and It didn’t need to be proof
read. She didn’t like that answer and we argued for several minutes over
whether or not the document had errors and had been proof read. She finally
trampled her fingers across the keys of the keyboard and asked if she had made
a mistake. In defeat, I finally said,
‘yes.’ This did not satisfy her and she
felt the need to ask me, ‘why can’t you just answer a simple yes or no
question?’ My, ‘Mom, it’s a rough
draft!’ response did not go over well. She told me to go to my room. I told her
no, because I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong. She left the room and
returned with a metal grilling spatula and struck me with it. The spatula broke
into about 4 pieces. When she told me to go to my room again and I again told
her ‘no,’ she grabbed my hair and pulled me across the room to the stair well
and yanked until the hair she had a hold of snapped from my scalp. Then she
grabbed my shirt and yanked until I slipped through the sleeves. I went to my room after that to hide out until
it was time to go to work. I was placed into foster care the next day when I
went to my guidance counselor at school to explain why I didn’t want to go
home. I went back home a few months later.
I went away to college at the age of 17.
When I came home for my first college break, I had learned that my mom had
given away all of my clothes to the local children’s home. I had nothing to
wear other than the two dresses I brought with me from school since that was
all I was allowed to wear on campus. My mom and I got into a fight. We were going to my aunt’s house for
Thanksgiving the next day and I needed to pack.
Since I no longer had any clothes, my mom got some of hers from the
hamper and gave them to me to wear while out of town. Once we came back home,
my boyfriend called me at home to ask if I would like to go with him to one of
his family Thanksgiving dinners. My mom got offended and accused me of planning
a dinner date ahead of time. She asked
for my keys to the house and made it clear that I was no longer welcome. I was
kicked out of the house wearing only my pajamas. My boyfriend came to pick me
up and instead of going to his family dinner, we went to his house to talk to
his parents. We were advised to go back to my house to apologize and to try to
make things right. When we got there, my mom received our apologies but then
got very upset and said that I was very hard not to hit. She also screamed at
my boyfriend, ‘you live with her for 5 years, and see if you don’t hit her!’
I know it really isn’t fantastic to give
your age, especially being a lady, but I have never really cared who knew how
old I was or am. I will be 30 this year. Whoop whoop! At 30 years old, I am
still capable of remembering moments as far back as just 2 years old! Maybe
even a tad bit earlier. Seriously! Like
how I remember having a cookout in our backyard. I remember we had concrete as
our yard. Not grass. I also remember my dad changing my diaper and putting
powder on me. I know that sounds strange, but I really do remember that. I also remember my dad was completely
infatuated with nature. He would bring home bird eggs and put them in the
microwave oven. Back then they weren’t like the microwave ovens we have today.
This one worked like a regular oven but it could maintain a very low heat for
days without being hot enough to catch fire. I don’t recollect the moment the
eggs ever hatched, but I remember there were red and blue speckled eggs and how
excited my dad was. I was so into what my dad did on his free time when he was
sober. I enjoyed putting those eggs into the oven as much as he did. I also remember the times my dad would drill
me on my spelling and help me with my homework. I remembered crying my eyes out
spelling a word over and over again, “giraffe g-i-r-a-f-f-e giraffe.” And the
next day, how proud of myself I was when I won my class Spelling Bee. I was a straight A student and won many
awards. One year I did so well that the school even gave me a scholarship for
college.
There was a time my mom and I sat at the
living room table and colored pictures. I remember staying in the lines and I
remember it was a very happy moment. One time I was visiting my mom after I had
gone to live with my dad. We were sitting in the living room and she was trying
to teach me how to crochet. I don’t remember ever actually having learned at
that point in time; but I remember how we talked about the yarn and for some
reason, my kitty cat tin can I had brought with me. I had a lifetime of
earrings in that can. We had grilled
cheese out to eat that day and I remember my mom was smiling. She rarely did
that. Smiled.
One
time I got to spend the night with my great grandma Opal. My sister stayed with
me. It was just after Easter and I remember I had never met her before and I
was terrified to spend the night. I was too young to realize that ‘spending the
night’ meant that I was going to be left behind at her house. My grandma gave
us a basket of Easter candy when my sister and me got upset and started
crying. At bedtime she took off all of our
clothes and put us to bed naked. When we woke up we had pancakes with light
corn syrup for breakfast. For the first time! To this day, I still won’t eat
maple syrup unless that is the only option available.
I
remember one time we lived in an apartment. There was an older elderly couple
who lived overhead. At that time, there were only 4 of us kids under my
parents’ roof. Every week or so, our elder neighbors would drop a clothes
basket down from the balcony. When we would go to get it, it would be filled to
the brim with snickers candy bars. They were so nice and smiley!
I remember a time when I was living with
my dad at my grandma’s house the fair was going on in our town. My dad had just
gotten back from the tobacco fields and had given me $5 to go to the fair. I
had so much fun. Even after buying my ticket, I had a tiny bit of money left
over. The only thing I could afford to spend it on was a tiny vial of skunk
pee. Which I ended up throwing and bursting on the street with my cousins. And we’d
laugh at the passersby when they would go through the cloud of stink.
After the adoption, my parents and I would
go to so many places. Baseball games, renaissance festival, the taste of
Cincinnati, Hershey Park, the Everglades. I remember when I was first adopted,
my favorite thing to do with my mom was to ride my bike on the Loveland bike
trail. I also enjoyed rollerblading. I remember one time when mom and I got
back from the trails, we went home to carve pumpkins. Dad sat with me and did
the carving and mom took pictures. I had already cut the stem off of the
pumpkin and was removing the seeds. For some strange reason, I had an impulse to
smash pumpkin guts into my dad’s face and so that was exactly what I did. I
howled with laughter and he just stared and feigned a chuckle. I could clearly
tell that he was not happy but, he laughed anyway because he didn’t want to
hurt my feelings and ruin my fun. I
remember a time when spending time with my new mom and dad was so much more
appealing than spending time out with my friends from school.
Who has shown me love? After taking a look at the people who have played
a part of my life and analyzing it all. I can say everyone has shown me love at
some point or other. I think that the times we don’t understand something to
mean love, that it is mostly just a misunderstanding. I have come to learn that
people who want to bless other people. Really truly bless them, they don’t make
it known that that is what they are doing.
With my biological parents, I didn’t get a lot of love from them. And I
will have to admit, that not getting that love in any form has altered how I
give love to others. But to say that they did not love me at all, would be
completely unfair and really, wrong. Because as much as my dad hurt me with the
sexual abuse and my mom the physical abuse, they still showed me some act of
kindness on a rare, but memorable occasion. Kindness does not come from
anything but Love. We were so poor growing up. So very poor. The story, about
when my dad gave me $5 to go to the fair… I found out later on, that was all
the money he owned in his name. To sacrifice his own health and happiness so
that I could enjoy a few hours of fun at the fair. People who do not love,
don’t give their only means for survival away to trivial junk. When my grandma Opal let me and my sister
spend the night with her, we were uncomfortable for having to sleep naked. I
found out later that our clothes were so dirty and smelly that she put us to
bed naked so we could have clean clothes the next morning. The motherly care
she showed us then but we were just too young to worry about anything but our
uncomfortable nudity. My adoptive parents, in the beginning, took me to so many
places because they knew I had never done anything like it before. And they
wanted me to have some sort of childhood. But I was 15 and I had so little of
it left. My adoptive dad let me smear pumpkin in his face because he wanted me
to create a positive memory. Some people I have not mentioned yet, Rick and
Ruby, who picked up all of the broken pieces that was myself when I was thrown
out in my pajamas. Who continue to encourage me and listen to my countless
complaints without being annoyed. Who, even when I’ve done the wrong thing,
loved me still and accepted me for me.
Who after an entire life or rejection, continue to involve me in
everything. Not because they want to make me feel included, but because they
want me there.
And our Father in Heaven. Most of you don’t know this, but I actually
did grow up in church. My mother was catholic and my dad was Jehovah’s witness.
I actually grew up southern Baptist though. When I was in fourth grade I was
living with my grandma and grandpa. I went to my grandma’s church which was
Church of Christ. I attended several other churches but was a member of the
C.O.C until I met Jeremy and started to come here. Anyway, when I was 9 years
old, a Jehovah’s Witness was at our house studying with my dad. I heard him
mention Psalm 37:34 Wait for the LORD, and keep His way, and he shall exalt
thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it. I have
never seen the verse in writing until I was in college. But I remembered that
verse and held it to my heart for a very long time. All I have to do is be
patient and continue to do the Lords will, when it comes time to go to heaven,
all the bad things will go away and we’ll see those things end. I don’t know,
maybe it was “…When the wicked are cut off thou shalt see it.” that I thought
of. That was most comforting. I will not have to be beat forever. I will not
have to be molested forever. I will not have to be rejected forever. I WILL BE
FREE from all this pain. And all I have to do, be patient and continue to do
the Lords will. It will all go away and I can watch to say goodbye to it
all! And I know it was God’s love that I
remembered that verse. God spoke to me that day and used the Jehovah ’s Witness
to speak to me. And then remember that one verse for 10 more years after before
actually seeing it written in His word!
Now look at who I have in my life. Jeremy, who has accepted me baggaged
past and all. Rick and Ruby who claim me as their daughter. And I now have a
daughter of my own who is so happy and such a joy to have around. Who is never
going to want for love, joy, peace or kindness.
It is because of our father in heaven that I can love more and my own
daughter can have my love most.
